Who Am I?

I am feeling rather unsettled at the moment. I am having an extremely hard time trying to put myself in the right place. A place where I would feel comfortable in, that I would not feel left out or different, a place that I feel I would belong. A place that I can simply say it is mine.

Today, I attended an informal meeting with a large group of people from China. These are the real, authentic native speakers. The Chinese-speaking society here. It felt almost like I was suddenly teleported to China. They speak Mandarin. Fast. Clear. Accurate. Fluent. Loud.

I speak Mandarin too. But I can't speak like them. Like a typical Singaporean, I some times have to substitute an English word or two in a Chinese sentence because I just don't know how to say it in Mandarin, or have forgotten the word. But when I have to speak to these people who doesn't understand English, I can't speak Mandarin like a Singaporean. I can't fill in the blanks with English words or I would get a blank look. All of a sudden, I don't feel I am as Chinese as I previously think I am.

I always complained to Christophe I dislike being the minority here. It makes me feel strong and superior when the majority is my ethnic group. It is a weird feeling because now I get what I thought I wanted all along, how come I don't feel strong nor superior? How come I don't feel that I am a part of this majority?

I was quiet most of the time. Playing the role of an active listener, a passive participant, and an observer of sort. I studied their facial features. Their dress code. The way they carried themselves. The way they handled their children. Other than the black hair and yellow skin, I feel I have nothing in common with them. Not even the facial features. Many of these women are married to Germans, but they are still so Chinese, their behaviour and mannerism that is, at least in my eyes.

After the 2-hour meeting, I think I am suffering from a severe Chinese overdose.

That said, when I am with a group of Germans, I automatically feel so Chinese, because I look Chinese and I am Chinese. Er... actually not so true. Most people here had mistaken me as Japanese, even the Japanese think I am Japanese. If I spoke Japanese, I can easily bluff these Japanese that I am one of them.

In this group, the language I use is obviously English, since I can't hold a conversation in German in depth. No matter how they try to make me feel a part of it, by speaking in English to me, I know I am not a part of it. Because ultimately, they still feel more at ease in German. That's already a consolation. Because some don't even bother to try to speak English at all, completely and outrightly casting me aside as if I am invisible.

So in this German group, I will never ever be a part of it, and I don't intend to be. I will, hopefully, be able to speak German like a German one day, but I know I will still be an outsider.

The group that I feel closest to is the English-speaking group (be it native speakers or not), after all, English is my default language. But what the hell is my mother tongue? So what if English is my default language? It is not my mother tongue. I am Chinese, so shouldn't my mother tongue be Mandarin? But I cannot speak Mandarin fluently like a Chinese! And if I can't speak Mandarin fluently, how can I call it my mother tongue? I am obviously not English, so my mother tongue can't be English. My English is better than my Mandarin, but nothing compared to the native speakers, so what does that make me? Singapore Chinese? Chinese Singaporean?

S***! I can't believe I am having an identity crisis at this stage of my life now. But I am.

What is my mother tongue?!

OK, I just did some reading in Wikipedia. Some excerpts:

A first language (also native language, arterial language, L1, mother tongue, or native tongue^[1]) is the language(s) a person has learned from birth^[2] or within the critical period, or that a person speaks the best and so is often the basis for sociolinguistic identity. In some countries, the terms native language or mother tongue refer to the language of one's ethnic group rather than one's first language.^[3]

By contrast, a second language is any language that one speaks other than one's first language.

The term mother tongue should not be interpreted to mean that it is the language of one's mother. In some paternal societies, the wife moves in with the husband and thus may have a different first language than the husband. Mother in this context originated from the use of "mother" to mean "origin" as in motherland.

Also in Singapore, "mother tongue" refers to the language of one's ethnic group regardless of actual proficiency, while the "first language" refers to the English language that was established on the island through British colonisation, which is the lingua franca for most post-independence Singaporeans due to its use as the language of instruction in government schools and as a working language.

Based on Wikipedia, my mother tongue is Mandarin (regardless of my actual proficiency), my first language is English, my second is Mandarin.

So much for identity crisis.