Searching for the Meaning of My Life, Again

After two hectic weeks of struggling to adjust to all the changes in my weekday routine, I am weak, close to burnout and anything but lively.

After their Chinese class yesterday, I knew I would have no more strength to cook lunch when I got home, in fact, I was already not able to go on for another minute on the way home, so I phoned Christophe to please take us out for lunch.

At the restaurant, the boys were chirpy and chatty as always.  Nothing seemed to be able to stop their energy from spilling out of their bodies.  From time to time, we would remind them to lower their volume, to keep quiet, to stop disturbing each other so much.  Until at one point, I told Christophe dejectedly, "wouldn't it be so nice if we don't have any children?"  He replied, "then we would have no meaning in our lives."

No meaning in our lives.  No meaning in our lives.  What is the meaning of my life anyway, when I have so much to do, when I have no time for a small break?  When whatever I am rushing like a mad woman daily is just to cover the most basic of the family's needs, i.e. cooking, doing the laundry and once to twice a week of vacuuming the floors?  When for two times in one week, I have forgotten to fetch Johann from the kindergarten?  When I wished I would be resting and doing nothing on a Sunday, I had to catch up with all the housework which I couldn't find time in doing during the week?

I am irritated.  I am frustrated.  I am tired.  Damn tired.  I am grouchy.  I am unhappy.  I am raw.  I am not me.

Three weeks ago, the new school year has begun.  It is a critical year for Enzian and Ludwig.  Their performance in school this year will largely determine their future path.  We do not want to take any risks of allowing the slightest chance that they don't end up in the school of our choice, hence we took them out of after-school care.  Last year, up until the week before last, they would stay in school after class dismissal until 4pm.  They would play and do their homework in school.  If things had worked out well, they would still be in after-school care, obviously it had not, because when they reached home at 4.30pm, their homework was still not completed and we would have to rush finishing their homework, taking their showers, having their dinner and some playtime - all in 3.5 hours.  Anyone can imagine (my) crazy rush and hair-pulling stress.  Because boys are not robots.  They don't operate by the push of a button.  Boys are, well, boys.  The kind that don't listen and drag their time to do what they are supposed to do, because it delights them drastically to be able to squeeze another nano-second of playtime.

No after-school care means they come home straight after school, at 1.05pm.  They would come home with loads of homework and a hungry stomach.  Correction, two hungry stomachs.  It means, after sending Johann to the kindergarten at 8.30am, I have 2 hours to prepare lunch (and dinner), buy groceries and do whatever housework I could do.  Two hours because I promise myself I must go for my jog after dropping Johann.  At first it was vanity.  I wanted to lose some weight so I forced Zoe to go jogging with me.  After she left, I carried on with the exercise and it had since been replenishing my sanity and giving me the zen that I desperately needed to last my day.  Not to mention the energy boost as a result of the cardio activity.

Fortunately, Christophe has stepped up to supervise them on their homework.  It is a big relief for me.  I can never be the right person to take on this responsibility.  He puts aside 2 hours of his time to make sure they are focused.  While they are at it, I continue with housework and get snippets of FB break in between.  Maybe I should use this time for a short nap, for I would be busy again when Bart and Johann return.

After homework, the twins get 1 hour of playtime which they feel they have proudly worked for it.  After dinner, I sit all four of them down individually to coach them on their Chinese.   When they are in bed, I would clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher and prepare a mental list of the next day's meals.

I am exhausted before I reach the end of each day.  I had to call up my reserved energy to help me pull through everyday.  I have, since yesterday, declared bankruptcy on my energy reserves.

Since the start of the school year, the boys also finally began their journey to learn Chinese.  Extremely delayed in the eyes of many, but hey, better late than never.  The 2-hour weekly lesson is nothing compared to the daily homework and revision the parent, i.e. ME, is mandated to do with her children.  In my unfortunate case, FOUR children.

I need help.

I know I need some time to cope with these changes.  I just don't know how much time I need for this transition.  I can't change back the changes.  The changes are here to stay.  Giving up is also not an option.  The only solution I have is to hang on and keep looking forward.  My only consolation is there are people who are in worse situation than mine.  So I should be thankful.

I still need help.

Until then, I will keep searching for the meaning of my life.  Perhaps, the meaning of my life should come looking for me.  I think that's the easier way, anyway.