Sacrifices

One day, when you become a parent, you will understand.

The things I make you do, the things I don't allow you to do, the things I let you do with limitations. You bear grudges against me. You complain. You whine. You sulk. But I look above all of these and keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground. I have my reasons. Reasons, which are unfortunately not apparent to you. Yet. I don't blame you for not understanding. You are, after all, still too young to comprehend. Your entry towards puberty makes it worse for both of us. I am doing my best to accomodate your surging hormones, which are at times, intolerable. You might have noticed I am altering my approach towards you. I try to treat you like a grown-up, giving you more freedom to exercise your decisions, allowing you more space to discover your greater independence, letting you make mistakes through your own actions thus enabling you to experience cause and consequence. But at the same time, I still want to shower you with my motherly love through hugs and kisses, something you never failed to highlight to me whenever I give more to your youngest brother.

Believe me son. Loving you is a tough balancing act. An art that I have yet to master. I am learning to grasp better at being a mother of a soon-to-be teenager.

You are my first son. You will always be special. You are the only baby I fret most over. After you, I don't fret as much anymore with your brothers. If we view this negatively, you can say you are my guinea pig. But if you look at the flip side, you were everything new and precious.

So now, you are spearheading a new chapter for me in my motherhood journey. A path that we will walk together, hand-in-hand, side-by-side. I am mentally preparing myself that you will ask me to let go of your hands one day, and I am most willing to do that.

For your growth.

To see you flap your own wings, young but strong. To see you make your first leap into adulthood, to see you fall and to see you pick yourself up. I will be there for you. To wipe off your tears, to clean off your blood, to give you a boost, to give you a nudge. To flash you a smile, to give you a pat, to express my disapproval, to cheer you on. To leave you alone, to lend you my ear, to give you a frown, to celebrate your successes.

Son, today your words have hurt me. We can't erase the past, but we can change the future. To err is human, and your mom is human too. Living in the past will not propel you to a better future. Not dwelling in it and learning from past mistakes will.

I have invested 12 years of my youth in raising you (and your brothers) and still counting. I have never regretted my decision to raise you full-time. Not even a second. My youth is dwindling as I see your height surpasses mine. My youth will not stay. It is a path that I have taken, fully aware that it is one that cannot be turned back. In fact, I have made a pact with god, that I will exchange my youth for 4 men with admirable characters. Honourable men with great self-respect, gentle but strong, smart but humble, confident but modest, sympathetic but firm, excellent but down-to-earth. God says, I don't simply lose my youth to get my wishes fulfilled. I have to put in sweat, time, tears, efforts, hard work. But god is so kind and generous, he throws in love, laughter, joys, happiness for me to keep going.

I told god that he can even take a few years off my life for my fat wishes, but he shook his head and said, "good try Pauline, but that would be an easy way out for you."

One day, when you become a parent, you will understand.