"So you can rest."

My neighbour and friend, Amanda, and I are now taking turns to take our first graders to school in the morning.  Amanda's starting the week off this week and I will take the boys (her twins and Johann) next week, on a weekly rotation.

Yesterday was the first day Johann went with them without me.  It was weird kissing him goodbye at our house gate and seeing him going off with his friends, on his own.  My baby.  His first step to being independent.  Such bittersweet swirl of emotions running through my system.

I sat on my couch, looked at the clock.  7.30am.  I would have been walking or cycling with him to school at this time.  But what am I doing here, sitting on the couch?  I sat there in a daze, I was at a loss at what I could do with this 30 minutes that I suddenly gained.

Usually, I would spring into action the moment I stepped foot into the house. Laundry, meal preparations, cleaning up or go grocery shopping.  But yesterday, my laundry with done.  Lunch was pizza (only needed some chopping of fresh mushrooms and a can of cut pineapples as additional toppings to the ready made fresh pizza), hence only a few minutes was required.  The house was cleaned the day before.  Fridge was well stocked.

It was a morning that I could have gone out with friends or go window shopping.  But it rained the whole day.  It made me lazy, I was sleepy.  So after mind-wandering aimlessly for a while, I decided to go back to sleep for an hour.  Which I did.

Ah... I felt great after that!  I eventually sprung into action, cleared some carton boxes that had been lying around in the corridors of the basement, made a phone call to a friend (to make arrangements to buy used winter clothes and shoes for my niece and nephew who are visiting us end of November!), and be on standby for my father-in-law who was here to fix up a few things in the house.

When I fetched Johann at school later that morning, we had this little conversation.

Me : How was it going to school without mummy this morning?
Jo : It was good.  

I was secretly disappointed to hear that response. It would have made me feel better if he said something like, it was ok mummy, but can you bring me to school everyday?

Me : Do you want me to take you to school?

I know I am not helping his development with that question.  It was selfish.  I find it extremely hard to let go of my last baby.  I am trying.  And I have to try harder.

Jo: No, mummy.  It is Amanda's turn.  

I saw some hesitation in his eyes for a split moment, but that was his reply.  Don't beat me, the conversation carried on.

Me : But I could still bring you, if you want.

As I said this, I was frantically searching for any hints in his eyes to see if he wants his mummy.

Jo : You can, if you want, mummy.  

Still not satisfied with his reply, I pressed on.

Me : But do you want?
Jo : Actually yes.  But I want you to have your rest, mummy.

If one could melt, he would have seen a puddle of mummy right before his eyes.  He is such a sensible sweetheart, how not to dote on him?  How not to love him more?  He is so thoughtful of others.  My little pleasant being!  

I will hang on and "take my rest" this week, because next week, I will hold your hand with extra love and warmth as we walk to school together.