Trapped

There are pockets of time throughout the day that I feel trapped.  Frustratingly, more and more so recently.  Trapped in the house.  Trapped within the boundaries of the neighbourhood.  Trapped by days of bad weather.  Trapped, due to my reluctance to face and overcome my insecurities of leaving my tiny, almost suffocating comfort zone to venture out on my own.  Trapped, because I am yet to bring up my courage to explore outside the boundaries which I still feel where I am at the safest.  Trapped, for I am too coward to face my fears of not being confident enough to converse in the foreign language that I had already acquired a certificate for; a certificate that qualifies me even to apply for work here.  Trapped, simply because I am so hesitant to let myself out of myself.

Whatever can happen to me should I release myself of this mental entrapment?  Come to think of it, nothing essentially that will eat away a part of me.  Maybe some embarrassment.  Perhaps faster heartbeat.  Possibly losing my way.  But I won’t die, I suppose? 

How about the flip side of the coin?  Surely I would get some practice on my preciously locked up german.  Definitely my children will help me out… (gosh!  I am the only foreigner in this family here).  Most probably I would end up enjoying my adventure.  Doubtlessly I could proudly add that to my first milestone after my move here.  So, with little to lose and so much to gain, what’s stopping me? 

BUT I AM REALLY SCARED!!!

Feeling trapped isn’t new to me, I had my good share of experiences when we just moved to Malaysia.  Thinking back, those experiences were agonizing,  nerve-wrecking, excruciating, insane and forced, but at the same time, they were enriching, elevating, wisdom accumulating, and whole-heartedly appreciated.  I must say the most valuable lesson was, the 5-year journey in Malaysia had proved to me I am actually more capable than I thought.

I guess I am revisiting the emotional phases of relocating, all over again.  But if my life in Malaysia had been fruitful to me, shouldn’t I look at Germany with a more positive light and brush away all the unnecessary uncertainties about myself?