I Want My Hugs

It is so easy for me to lose sight of my purpose in this family. In fact, I think it has become a habit, an undesirable habit of not looking at the bigger picture, of how wonderfully blessed I am with a loving husband and four adorable sons.

Naturally, the little ones try my patience all the time, bringing me lots of anger and stress because... erm... I would conveniently forget that they are kids doing what kids should do. I wish I have more time to sit with each of them individually, learn about what they do in school, which friends they play with, what they eat for lunch that day, the toys/game they plan to play next, their aspirations at the moment, what they dislike to do and why, what makes them happy (sad and angry). In the department of spending time with my children, I have to say I have failed miserably. I am not embarrassed about this fact. I am disappointed with myself.

It is not easy to find the balance. The balance of juggling this house, the work that is tagged along with it. The balance of caring for four boys, the work that accompanies them. The balance of my well-being - emotionally, physically, socially, mentally - that if I lose it, a lot of things would crumble. Even if I was given 30 hours a day, or that I suffer from a sleep disorder that causes me not to sleep even a wink, I still don't believe I am able to be a good mother. Hmm... actually, not true. If I could leave all the quiet work to the human sleeping time, and re-arrange my work schedule in their waking time, then I would have time for my sons!

I am talking nonsense.

I want to be closer to my children. So I asked them for hugs. Tight ones. A morning hug when they wake up, a goodbye hug with they leave for school, a hello hug with they return from school, a good night hug when they go to bed. Fours hugs per boy, 16 hugs per day for me, not including the hugs I get from Christophe.

The best thing about these hugs is they are so eager to give. That ought to tell me something, which is also why I started this post with that first sentence. I must have distant myself subconsciously from all of them because I am always occupied with other things. Things that I couldn't find the balancing point.

These hugs have since brought me closer to them, and them to me (even though I joked with them, particularly Enzian and Ludwig, the purpose of the hugs is to smell if they had washed their hair properly) and I hope this will motivate me to find new ways to bring me even closer to them.

I see hope.