Regrets of the Dying

I recently stumbled upon an article.  An article so powerful, so awakening that I have to share it with you here.  I did not want to only provide the original link to the article, because I know the link might not be clicked and hence the important message I want to convey would not be delivered.  I wanted the full article to be here.  The good thing is, the article is not long, it is compact, straight-to-the-point, impactful and caused (me) to re-think and reflect about myself and how I treat the people I know and love.  So I wrote to the writer and obtained her permission to publish it here.

The weird thing about the whole matter was, on the same day after I read it, Christophe told me his friend had died, committed suicide.  He had wanted to get in touch with him for some technical work.  Hadn't seen him online for a while, which was very untypical of his friend, sent him an offline message, didn't get any response, so he picked up the phone to call his apartment.  The phone was de-registered, so he called his mobile phone, and a woman answered the call.  The woman is the friend's mother.  She kept his mobile phone on for this purpose, for his friends whom she wasn't able to find from the phone address book to be able to reach him, for her to deliver the sad news to.  That was how Christophe got to know the news.  Apparently, he had passed on (on 4th or 5th) September 2011, Christophe cannot remember anymore.

I had met him, we even participated in a trade show in LA together.  Christophe subsequently attended two more trade shows with him.  On an on-and-off basis, sometimes more, sometimes less, they had always worked together, they were long time friends.  Naturally, Christophe felt the shockwaves more than me, while I sat there trying to digest the news, trying to come to terms with his existence no more.  He was 35.

Then I linked this back to the article, Regrets of the Dying, not entirely relevant, but both have a common ending - death.  There is so much truth in the article, yet there is also so much external factors working against us to want to live our lives without or with minimal regrets.  

For me, in my last 6 plus years of living abroad and my longer-than-a-decade-long of being a mother, a wife, a person as a whole, I have grown in so many ways I didn't think possible, that I feel the 5 listed regrets (less one, see next paragraph) would not pose as my regrets, thankfully, when I eventually lay on my deathbed.  However, I know that a lot people around me would not be able to share the same sentiments.  Hence this post.  The only hammer that keeps knocking hard on my head right now is how to learn and modify myself to enjoy my children more than I do now, in the midst of my struggles with them and keeping up to society's expectations.  The other nagging issue is to come up with a way to steal Christophe from his work as much reasonable time as possible.  

The only listed regret that I should be working on would be #5 (I wish I had let myself be happier).  I know myself best when it comes to being happy.  I am happy in general.  With what I have, it would be a sin to not be happy.  What I could do is to be happier.  I know I always put up a stern front with my boys, even when the situation doesn't call for it.  I have to learn to let go sometimes (definitely not all the time or it would go all haywire, at least not at the ages they are in now) because at those rare times that I do, my children would notice and tell me how nice it was to see their mother laugh, laughing with them to be precised, or to be laughed at.  What right do I have to strip them of seeing their mother smiling, laughing along with them?  I am already working on myself and I hope to one day (soon) be able to let out a hearty laugh, in fact, many sincere, hearty ones, for my children to remember me by.  That by the time I lay on my deathbed, my eyes wouldn't be tearing non-stop, regretting that I didn't allow my children to see my happiness I have of and with them.  Because the fact is, I am very happy with them.  I am just not showing it to them.  Duh, you would think.  I know, that is why I am working on it.

No one, with a sane mind, wants to die with regrets, I included.  I was not aware that I have been subconsciously carving my life in the direction of dying with little regrets until I read this.  I am thankful for the life experiences and challenges I had faced and will continue to face.  They are not extraordinary, but enough to serve as lessons for me.  I look far to the wisdom that I would gain from overcoming each and every one of them.  I have my lows, and who doesn't?  But I always pick myself up, with or without the help from another, avoid the same route that trip me over, and move on.  The lessons I learnt I retain, the negative feelings that went along with me, serve as reminders for my future blunders.   

Here is the article.

Regrets of the Dying


For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. 

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five: 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. 

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard. 

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. 

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships. 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. 

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. 

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Original Link: http://inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

Bio: Bronnie Ware is a writer and songwriter from Australia who spent several years caring for dying people in their homes. She has recently released a full-length book titled 'The Top Five Regrets of the Dying - A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing'. It is a memoir of her own life and how it was transformed through the regrets of the dying people she cared for. For more information, please visit Bronnie's official website at www.bronnieware.com or her blog at www.inspirationandchai.com.