I Could Have Killed Him

Johann's been coughing for slightly over a week now.  It worsened in the past three nights, it was so bad it interrupted his sleep, and that was after I had applied Vicks vapour rub on his chest, back, throat, nose and soles.  I tied a scarf around his neck and put on thick socks for him afterwards, it didn't help.  Not significantly. During the day, I would give him cough medicine and cough sweets to suck on.  It seemed to work, but the cough always attacked at night, viciously.  I know because he had been sleeping with us, so that we could monitor him and take immediate care should the need arise.

I decided it was time to take him to the doctor that night he coughed so bad, so bad that my heart ached.  At the doctor's yesterday, we took a swap sample from his throat for a lab test, the results in which we will only know next Tuesday (due to the long Easter weekend).  Cough medicine and lozenges were also prescribed, I had pinned my hopes that he would get better with those medicine.

Other than the lozenges, I did not administer the cough medicine to him until before his sleeping time, as advised by the doctor.  When it was time to give him the med, I thought I might have the same med in our cupboard.  One check and it confirmed my suspicion.  Naturally, it made sense to use up the opened bottle first before opening the new (bigger) one.  According to the doctor, I was to give him 5ml of the syrup.  The stupid smaller opened bottle's opening was so small, it only allowed one drop to dispense at a time.  I was tired and impatient, and Johann was coughing miserably, waiting for his med.  Finally, I had 5ml in the little cup.  He took a sip, held on to his throat, then covered his mouth and started to cry instantly.  I thought, no! Don't do this to me, how could cough syrup be so minty, aren't all medicine artificially sweetened to the max for easier consumption?!  Though I felt sorry for him, I did not relent to his cries (and I was still annoyed with that tiny opening of the med), I told him firmly he had to drink up the med, afterall, it was only 5ml.  It took him 3 sips to down that 5ml.  His cries continued in between, he looked so helpless and pitiful, my heart went soft but I knew I shouldn't, for the sake that he would get well.

That night, he went upstairs to sleep with his brothers.  It wasn't what I had planned, but I sort of welcomed that at the same time because I needed my sleeping space after the few nights of him bunking with us, so I did not ask him to sleep with us.  I did have a nagging thought that I shouldn't, but my selfish self told me to ignore it, which I did.

Later into the night, I heard footsteps and his cries.  He came to our room, coughing non-stop.  I quickly signalled him to come to bed with us, applied Vicks again and cuddled him tight.  His warmth, his heartbeat, his breathing.  My mind was at peace when I had him in my arms.  Why did I not want him with me in the first place when my instincts told me he was still not well and I had to watch over him?

Today, he is livelier.  We all feel a small relief that he is finally recovering.  Before he went to bed, I was preparing his med in the kitchen while his daddy was brushing his teeth for him.  I placed the two bottles of med side-by-side.  The smaller, opened one and the bigger unopened one.  Apart from the size, everything seemed to be the same... until I suddenly noticed "Tropfen" (drop) on the smaller bottle and "Saft" (syrup) on the bigger one!  In a flash, I picked up the smaller bottle and read the instructions.  OH. MY. GOD.  My heart dropped to the floor.  15 drops for children aged 3-12 years old.  And I gave him 5ml, which was supposed to be the amount to give from the syrup bottle.  That was 50 drops? 60 concentrated drops?!

I felt awful.  AWFUL!  How could I have made such a careless mistake?  I went to the bathroom where he and Christophe were and hugged Johann from his back so tightly and kept saying, "sorry Johann, sorry Johann..."  Christophe was puzzled.  He asked why.  I couldn't stop saying my sorries to Johann so I ignored him, knowing that I would tell him when I was done with Johann.  He was curious and bemused.  

So I related the whole incident to him and he let out a sigh, "this mummy!"  Phew!  That was all he said.  At least he said something.  I had nothing to say.

I am just relieved Johann is alright.  My head is hanging low.