It's Not Your Fault

A few weeks ago, after a last-minute decision to go grocery shopping, Christophe and I went to fetch Johann home from the kindergarten by car.  It's just a 12 minutes walk, so we never needed to drive.  Johann is always very delighted when he knows he would be driven home, "so fast we are home" is what he would always say when we arrive home.

So it was no different that day.  I hopped off the car at the kindergarten parking lot, went inside and showed my presence, indicating to him it was 4pm and time to go home.  I normally don't tell him that he would be driven home, I love to see his surprised and happy face when I announce it to him after we step out of the building.

As predicted, he jumped with joy when he saw that daddy was there to pick him up with the car.  I helped him up into the car and left the buckling of seat belt to him as I went to the car boot to retrieve my purse which I left in one of the shopping bags.  As I closed the boot, I overheard Christophe telling him to close his car door.  I wanted to be fast, so I thought giving his car door a push would speed things up as it had started to drizzle.  As I pushed, Johann, in his attempt to draw my attention to him, expressed incredibly audibly to me, "mummy, I will close the door, I will close the door!"  Due to my impatient nature, which I am beginning to detest since it has been causing me quite a few blunders, of course my hand did not listen to my brain, much less to him and BAM! went the door.... followed by a muffled wail.  Muffled because the door was shut, so the sound could not travel as well as it should.  At the nanosecond after the door was pushed and before it was shut, I had already realised what I had done.  But it was too late, there was nothing I could do.

I had slammed his fingers.

Loud, high-sounding cries followed by big, fat tears rolling down his cheeks, he held his poor fingers to his chest tightly, shaking.  Oh no... what have I done?  Guilt drowned me, I was at a loss of actions.  For a few seconds, I couldn't get him to show me his fingers, so I just hugged him tight as he roared with pain, "sorry Johann, I didn't see your hand, oh my Johann.... I am so sorry" was all I could manage.  His reply, which was unexpected since he was still crying, put me to shame on the spot, "it's... (sobs) ok, (sobs) mummy... (sobs)".

My 5-year-old is so big-hearted.  He was not mad at me, he didn't want his mother to feel bad even though he had every right to.  Instead of soothing him, he soothed me.  I felt so little.  So minute.

The skin on his three fingers (index, middle and ring) were dented, we asked him to try bending them, he couldn't because the pain was still so raw.  There wasn't any open wound, nor did it appear to have crushed bones, but nevertheless, it was awful enough.  Apart from being swollen slightly, I was relieved as it could have been worse, but at the same time, beating myself up inside for being so impatient.

When we got home, we gave his fingers some cold treatment and applied zam buk.  He was whiny but otherwise fine.  That evening, I hugged him more times than usual, and apologised a few more times.  Boy!  I really felt lousy about myself.

Next morning, on the way to the kindergarten, holding his little hand reminded me of my boo-boo, guilt overcame me once more, "Johann, I am so sorry, will you please forgive me?"  He was puzzled, "mummy, you already said sorry to me yesterday, why are you saying sorry again?"  "That's because I still feel very bad that I did that to you..."  After what seemed like him in some form of thoughts, he said this, "actually mummy, I think it is not your fault because I put my hand there.  If I didn't put there, you wouldn't have hurt my fingers."  If what he just said didn't prove his magnanimity, I don't know what is.

I stopped, kneeled to his level, looked him in his eyes and said, "Johann, it was my fault, I could have checked before pushing the door, I could have listened to you when you said you will close the door yourself, then it wouldn't have happened, so it was my fault." and pulled him close to me... this boy is capable of crippling my self-control as I felt my eyes welling up with tears.

He has already forgiven me, I should also let it go and forgive myself.  He has taught me so many lessons through this incident.

Forgiveness, magnanimity, love, patience, caution.  I think I am learning more things from him than he is from me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I am rather embarrassed to say that Johann is not the only one I had slammed the fingers with the car door.  I had also done exactly the same thing to Bart and my little sissy.  I am not sure if there were more, but I know for sure these three were my poor victims.

It's time to open my eyes when I close car doors.