Recently, I have this nagging thought. It never seem to go away. It visits me every night, before I go to bed. Okay, it is not recently, it had been quite some time, like weeks and weeks. This thought just becomes louder and louder recently. More so after I am more settled here in Munich.
Besides doing the chores in the house and making sure there are three meals a day for the kids, I hardly make time for them. Shamelessly, even “hardly” is an overstated expression. I don’t make time for them. That’s right. “Don’t” is the precise word. Here, I no longer need to drive them to school, which is 7 minutes walk away. Here, I don’t get stressed over a dirty house because the cleaner environment makes cleaning the house an easy task. Here, I do laundry only on alternate days since we don’t get dirty and sweaty like in Malaysia. Here, I don’t need to drive to the shops for groceries, the nearest supermarket is just 4 minutes walk away. Here, I cook once a day, sometimes even once every two days, because dinner is always bread with a variety of cheese and ham. The time I have saved myself from all these collectively, is A LOT.
I search my head for excuses why I am not spending time with them. Every excuses I try to come up with, I have every reason to knock them all down, flat. Having to do the laundry, cook, clean the house are no excuses. They have to be done in every household. I don’t have to go to work, that makes me even more ashamed why I am not doing anything with the kids. Whatever free time I have, I go to my netbook to get connected and get updates from friends and family online. I prefer to spend time with myself on the computer than with my children. The very children whose golden childhood is slowly slipping by without their mother’s company. I get irritated when they interrupt me in my room, surfing the net, idling in the cyber world. I chase them out, “go away, don’t disturb me. Go play by yourselves. Why do you guys keep coming here? Can you leave me alone?” They would ask, “mummy, can you play canaster with me?”, I would always reply, “no, sorry, I don’t feel like playing”, without even looking away from the computer screen.
Oh god, this guilt is unbearable. It is eating me up like a flesh-eating bacteria, just worse, it is eating up my soul. I haven’t been a good mother. I have become complacent. I have forgotten about my importance and the pinnacle role I play in my children’s lives.
This evening, Christophe and I had a chat over our late dinner. Whatever we chatted about now seem completely unimportant, compared to these conclusive words from him that are still ringing in my ears, “… so it is important, we should bring up the kids well.” It was the “a-ha” moment for me. God has his way of sending his message across.
Yes, I get it now, I get your message now.
I think every mom is guilty at one time or another of not making/spending time with their children. Probably becos we yearn so much for our "me time" since becoming a mother.
ReplyDeletePauline, give yourself a break. You are in the transition stage (being uprooted from home-your comfort zone and put to a new environment). Attempting to fill up the emptiness from missing family and friends, which explains why u r always trying to be in contact with them.
So far, I personally see that you are a good mom.
I think all mothers are guilty, at one time or another, for not making/spending with their children. Probably due to moms yearn so much to have "me time" which is always lacking since motherhood begins.
ReplyDeleteStrictly my analysis :You are in a transition stage (uprooted from your comfort zone, away from family & friends) into a new environment. Always trying to fill that emptiness by being in contact with family and friends as much as possible.
Pauline, give yourself a break. Don't be too hard on yourself. I personally thinks you are a great mom. But can still do better ;)
Hello Nicky! Thank you for your encouragement, and your comforting words. I agree that I can do better, I have slackened, so it is time I pull up my socks and get into some action with my kids!
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