Of Life and Death

Life and Aging...

Lately, I have been questioning myself... what is the meaning of life? When I see photos of my loved ones, my friends that I had lost touch with and recently re-connected, I see the harsh reality of aging. I see that not one is spared the cruelty of growing older. Some might not agree growing old is cruel, for with age, comes wisdom. Some of us might stay youthful-looking through various methods, but the fading signs of youthfulness are still obvious. I see the desperation of fighting against loosening skins, duller complexion, thinning hair, gaining weight due to slowed down metabolism, more pains and aches. I see some hanging on to the last bit of their youth to party till their hearts' content, or in their opinion, living life to its fullest. I also see a few that are oblivious to aging, living their lives for others, working hard to provide the best for their family and offsprings.

The Young Ones...

I see the young ones, with time in their hands, enjoying what I call their peak moments. Smart ones, stupid ones. Those who curse and are never satisfied. Those who are contented and grateful. Those who keep improving themselves and strive for excellence. Those who allow their bright future to be washed down the drain.

The Old Ones...

When I see an elderly, I wonder if they think to themselves, "I was this young once." Because when I see a young one, I think to myself, "I was this young once too." I wonder if they are well-aware of their lives approaching to an end? Because I am already starting to be aware of this myself.

Death...

I used to be so afraid of death, of me dying, when I was little, perhaps when I was 7. I would wake up in the middle of the night and look for my then very young mother, crying so hard because I didn't want to die, that I didn't want her to die. She would tell me factually that everyone must die when they grow old. That this is life.

I am already older. I am nearer to that endpoint. Though many would say I still have a large gap to fill before I reach there. The truth is, I am nearer than when I was 7. Nonetheless, I fear not my own death, I fear my children's loss of their pillar of support and love. I still have so much to do with them, so much to teach them, to guide them, to simply spend my time with them, to love them, so they would have beautiful and joyous memories of their mother. Leaving no regrets, as their mother.

Regrets...

But. I have many regrets, as a daughter... as much as I want to give my all to my children, I can never be compared to the sacrifices my mother has made for her children. My sisters. Me. Her grandchildren. I was the first one to age my mother. The torment of my then marital sorrows on top of the caring of my three children had aged my mother tremendously. I witnessed the once young and happy woman aged right in front of my eyes. When things improved later on, I was secretly hoping and praying that that would reverse the process of aging for her. Unfortunately, the damage was done, it doesn't matter if my marriage now is blissful or not, I had already taken away her youth.

I can't even make amends. I am so far away from her. She was there when I needed her. Will I be there when... I don't want to be like Lee Hsien Loong.

I don't want.