After Johann, I did not totally give up considering trying for a girl, even though my mouth had always said otherwise. Johann's "beauty" and being constantly mistaken by others for a girl leaves me fantasizing how pretty and lovable my daughter would be. I still remembered how my heart had dropped when my gynecologist told me, at my regular ultrasound scan, my twins are boys. Even though that tinge of disappointment did not last for more than a split second, I felt ashamed of that disappointment, for I quickly realised that the gender is not more important than having a healthy baby. So when I was expecting my fourth, I went to my antenatal checkups without hoping for either gender (but actually I had also given up hope that I will ever have a daughter, after three boys). When the doctor told me it is a boy, I wasn't disappointed, nor was I ecstatic. I was calm and in peace with what god had chosen for me.
Johann is now 4.5 years old. I am now 38. Christophe and I had agreed that if we wanted to have a fifth child, we will try before I turn 40. Wait till my mom hears this. I think she will faint. I have decided to keep her under wraps until I have delivered the baby, until I have completed my confinement. Until I know everything is well under control here, since she can't physically see what is going on here. Then I will call her and break the news to her that she is now the proud grandmother of her 10th grandchild.
Keeping her out of the entire pregnancy journey till the first-month is protecting her from having mental stress. I have debated internally how I would handle when to break the news to her several times but each time when I feel like she has a right to know, I feel she has a bigger right to live an unstirred life.
Why is having 4 boys not enough? Of course it is enough. More than enough. That is why I am having this discussion with myself. After long periods of several serious internal dialogues, I have finally and honestly come to terms with me and my brood of men. Me being the only female in the family. Me in an all-men household.
I have also accepted that no matter how much I desire to have a daughter, whom I would name Edelweiss, I would never have a daughter. Never.
Because I begin to recognise I am aging. I can't say I am old, because there will always be people who are older. Just like I can't say I am poor, because there will always be people who are poorer. So now that the boys are more independent and while I am still kicking, I should start dedicating some time to myself, what so many women call, me time. In fact, I had already been doing that, the only difference between now and then, is minute yet so humongous. The difference is, me, myself and I have eventually reached a uniform decision of really stopping at four. No more second thoughts. No more what if's. No more illusions of being pregnant and how to keep that a secret from my family in Singapore.
So no, I am expecting.... not.
Tsk!
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