(Update: Added translation to the lyrics of the song below)
I am not a typical Asian mother when it comes to academically feeding my children, at least in the eyes of the Asians. Compared to my counterparts living in Singapore and Malaysia, I can be viewed as a slack parent, giving my sons a lot of time to play, the space to do their own things (hence the mess that they always never fail to create) and the freedom to plan their day (with some guidance).
(Start of Side-Track)
I don't clean after them, at least not their bedroom. In that, I mean to say I don't go about picking up the toys and drawings (which they do a LOT) that can be found at any possible corners. I do not vacuum their room, I do not dust their furniture, I do not scrub their toilet bowl, I do not clean their bathroom. And no, we do not have a part-time maid to do the work for us. And no, they do not live in a trashcan. Well, they did for a while, until we did a massive clean-up one week ago.
Yes, WE, not I. I drove the "clean up your room properly" campaign, but we worked together. Under my superior leadership (read: great dictatorship), their room underwent a complete detoxification process which lasted over a span of a few days. You know how a detox works. The first day is the most miserable, and every second you just feel like giving up. That was how all of us felt. Then you are so satisfied with yourself after you bit your tongue and grit your teeth in the faith of perseverance, you finally see to the end of the day. That's it, day one checked. The biggest hurdle had been crossed. You know the next few days would be easier. Picking yourself up the next day took some efforts, but it was nothing compared to the first. The cleaning up, tidying up, putting away trash continued, we started to see results of our hard work. It is like polishing silver, the joy when you see the sparkling gem slowly emerging from its blackish tarnish. The next two days went by almost unnoticeably, naturally the work carried on, but it was merely tying up some loose ends here and there.
This whole exercise began with tears in bed at night on their first day, the boys told me afterwards. So it wasn't just I who had to withstand the wrench in my heart. It seems they have learnt a valuable lesson out of it, because they wanted their bedroom to be maintained in the same good condition. This time around, they happily report to me they have hung their jackets, made their beds, brought down their soiled laundry, kept things back to their places after use, on their own initiation. They do see and feel the sense of accomplishment and they "don't want to make you angry, it makes us sad" (their words). Do you know how this feels for a mother? Those words mean little to me, but their actions... they speak volume.
Of course, after the detox, you have to maintain in order to keep up to your desired outcome. Daily, with a little dose of motivation and encouragement, they are right on track. Until this become a part of their routine or should I say a habit, I gather I still have to be their driving force for a while. I would gladly be that force. Sehr gerne.
(End of Side-Track)
This week, I have been drowning my children, mainly the three older ones, with lots of school revision to prepare them well for their tests. I organise their schedules individually, separate them from playing with each other, put them in different parts of the house, line up workplans for them. All in the hope that they have more focus to do what they have to do systematically in an uninterrupted environment. Amidst the stress of everything, it's been working quite smoothly. I wouldn't say it goes without hiccups, but we are coping. Even though Christophe is far away from us, he still makes a point to speak to the boys, have them read to him over the phone at 8pm our time (his 3am). This is a great deal of help. I can never have enough of it.
I was chatting with a German friend about my week of organised chaos, and I was instantly labelled as an "ambitious mom". Wait till she finds out what the typical Asians do! In the eyes of the Europeans, I might appear to be a "Tiger Mom", in the eyes of the Asians, I am just a lazy one. It is all a matter of cultural upbringing.
Back to the first paragraph about I being slack and this week's instantaneous diligence. Topped that with the song (below) that I collided into. I couldn't help but feel guilty towards my constant pushing. In the name of honesty, I do make sure their schoolwork is done on a daily basis, that they revise for upcoming tests, and that I pull them out of their play to learn Chinese. Other than that, they are indeed their own decision makers of their free time. Even then, my sense of guilt barks loudly back at me as I read the lyrics of this song.
I ask myself, am I giving them enough room to be themselves? To be children? To leave unforgettable, happy, beautiful memories of their childhood as they journey through their adulthood? Am I quickening the pace of their growing up process? Am I administering the right form of approaches to teach them values I want to instill in them? Am I their role model? Am I a deliverer of my own promises to them? Am I someone they would look up to and bow with respect because of my wisdom, not because I demand it? What do I really want for them? Feeding them knowledge or teaching them skills to acquire knowledge? Why are grades so important? Will this one failed spelling test determine his future?
The general make-up of the society, the chase of money and status, the rush of material gains. They so often blind us from giving what is really the best for our children. I wish someone could devise a formula for a happy childhood. One that is filled with laughter, one that is also filled with the joys of learning.
I once posted my recent family portrait and received several positive comments by friends. The adjectives that still ring clearly in my ears are, "nice", "lovely", "beautiful", "happy". Of course, no one in the right frame of mind would say, "hideous", "ugly", "awful", "Arghhh". I like to take it as a hint that I am doing things right. One said, "I can see the sparkles in their eyes", another commented, "... wide grins from everyone's face".
Take a good look at the photos of your children. Have your friends to look at them too. Do you see sparkles in their eyes? Do your friends see the sparkles in their eyes. If so, you are most probably on the right track.
Here's the culprit that inspired this post...
I am not a typical Asian mother when it comes to academically feeding my children, at least in the eyes of the Asians. Compared to my counterparts living in Singapore and Malaysia, I can be viewed as a slack parent, giving my sons a lot of time to play, the space to do their own things (hence the mess that they always never fail to create) and the freedom to plan their day (with some guidance).
(Start of Side-Track)
I don't clean after them, at least not their bedroom. In that, I mean to say I don't go about picking up the toys and drawings (which they do a LOT) that can be found at any possible corners. I do not vacuum their room, I do not dust their furniture, I do not scrub their toilet bowl, I do not clean their bathroom. And no, we do not have a part-time maid to do the work for us. And no, they do not live in a trashcan. Well, they did for a while, until we did a massive clean-up one week ago.
Yes, WE, not I. I drove the "clean up your room properly" campaign, but we worked together. Under my superior leadership (read: great dictatorship), their room underwent a complete detoxification process which lasted over a span of a few days. You know how a detox works. The first day is the most miserable, and every second you just feel like giving up. That was how all of us felt. Then you are so satisfied with yourself after you bit your tongue and grit your teeth in the faith of perseverance, you finally see to the end of the day. That's it, day one checked. The biggest hurdle had been crossed. You know the next few days would be easier. Picking yourself up the next day took some efforts, but it was nothing compared to the first. The cleaning up, tidying up, putting away trash continued, we started to see results of our hard work. It is like polishing silver, the joy when you see the sparkling gem slowly emerging from its blackish tarnish. The next two days went by almost unnoticeably, naturally the work carried on, but it was merely tying up some loose ends here and there.
This whole exercise began with tears in bed at night on their first day, the boys told me afterwards. So it wasn't just I who had to withstand the wrench in my heart. It seems they have learnt a valuable lesson out of it, because they wanted their bedroom to be maintained in the same good condition. This time around, they happily report to me they have hung their jackets, made their beds, brought down their soiled laundry, kept things back to their places after use, on their own initiation. They do see and feel the sense of accomplishment and they "don't want to make you angry, it makes us sad" (their words). Do you know how this feels for a mother? Those words mean little to me, but their actions... they speak volume.
Of course, after the detox, you have to maintain in order to keep up to your desired outcome. Daily, with a little dose of motivation and encouragement, they are right on track. Until this become a part of their routine or should I say a habit, I gather I still have to be their driving force for a while. I would gladly be that force. Sehr gerne.
(End of Side-Track)
This week, I have been drowning my children, mainly the three older ones, with lots of school revision to prepare them well for their tests. I organise their schedules individually, separate them from playing with each other, put them in different parts of the house, line up workplans for them. All in the hope that they have more focus to do what they have to do systematically in an uninterrupted environment. Amidst the stress of everything, it's been working quite smoothly. I wouldn't say it goes without hiccups, but we are coping. Even though Christophe is far away from us, he still makes a point to speak to the boys, have them read to him over the phone at 8pm our time (his 3am). This is a great deal of help. I can never have enough of it.
I was chatting with a German friend about my week of organised chaos, and I was instantly labelled as an "ambitious mom". Wait till she finds out what the typical Asians do! In the eyes of the Europeans, I might appear to be a "Tiger Mom", in the eyes of the Asians, I am just a lazy one. It is all a matter of cultural upbringing.
Back to the first paragraph about I being slack and this week's instantaneous diligence. Topped that with the song (below) that I collided into. I couldn't help but feel guilty towards my constant pushing. In the name of honesty, I do make sure their schoolwork is done on a daily basis, that they revise for upcoming tests, and that I pull them out of their play to learn Chinese. Other than that, they are indeed their own decision makers of their free time. Even then, my sense of guilt barks loudly back at me as I read the lyrics of this song.
I ask myself, am I giving them enough room to be themselves? To be children? To leave unforgettable, happy, beautiful memories of their childhood as they journey through their adulthood? Am I quickening the pace of their growing up process? Am I administering the right form of approaches to teach them values I want to instill in them? Am I their role model? Am I a deliverer of my own promises to them? Am I someone they would look up to and bow with respect because of my wisdom, not because I demand it? What do I really want for them? Feeding them knowledge or teaching them skills to acquire knowledge? Why are grades so important? Will this one failed spelling test determine his future?
The general make-up of the society, the chase of money and status, the rush of material gains. They so often blind us from giving what is really the best for our children. I wish someone could devise a formula for a happy childhood. One that is filled with laughter, one that is also filled with the joys of learning.
I once posted my recent family portrait and received several positive comments by friends. The adjectives that still ring clearly in my ears are, "nice", "lovely", "beautiful", "happy". Of course, no one in the right frame of mind would say, "hideous", "ugly", "awful", "Arghhh". I like to take it as a hint that I am doing things right. One said, "I can see the sparkles in their eyes", another commented, "... wide grins from everyone's face".
Take a good look at the photos of your children. Have your friends to look at them too. Do you see sparkles in their eyes? Do your friends see the sparkles in their eyes. If so, you are most probably on the right track.
Here's the culprit that inspired this post...
亲爱的爸爸，给我一个窗口
Dear Papa, please give me a window,
给我留一片还没有，污染的天空
Leave me a sky, that is still unpolluted.
在层层的重重的铁窗后
Behind the layers of heavy metal window grills,
让我望一望草地上，绿色的自由
Let me have a free view of the green grass.
亲爱的妈妈，给我哭闹的时间
Dear Mama, please give me time to cry,
让我迟一些才学会，标准的笑脸
Give me some time to learn to present a standard smile.
其实你可以先给我一点空间
Actually you could first give me some space,
让我喜欢自己，才接受文明的训练
For me to like myself, before I accept the training of civilization.
亲爱的老师，不要那么紧张
Dear teachers, please do not be so uptight,
不是所有的歌曲，都要规矩的唱。
Not every songs must be sung right.
一切的ABC可以慢慢的学
All the ABCs can be learnt slowly,
不要教我争先，让我从容一点
Do not teach me to be competitive, rather teach me to take it easy.
亲爱的世界，给我一个黑板
Dear world, please give me a black board,
让我快乐地画一幅自己的向往
Let me happily paint a piece of my yearning.
其实你不该教会我太多黑白
Actually you do not have to teach me so much black and white,
让我长大后不会，对着灰色无奈
So that I do not face the frustrations of grey areas when I grow up.
Dear Papa, please give me a window,
给我留一片还没有，污染的天空
Leave me a sky, that is still unpolluted.
在层层的重重的铁窗后
Behind the layers of heavy metal window grills,
让我望一望草地上，绿色的自由
Let me have a free view of the green grass.
亲爱的妈妈，给我哭闹的时间
Dear Mama, please give me time to cry,
让我迟一些才学会，标准的笑脸
Give me some time to learn to present a standard smile.
其实你可以先给我一点空间
Actually you could first give me some space,
让我喜欢自己，才接受文明的训练
For me to like myself, before I accept the training of civilization.
亲爱的老师，不要那么紧张
Dear teachers, please do not be so uptight,
不是所有的歌曲，都要规矩的唱。
Not every songs must be sung right.
一切的ABC可以慢慢的学
All the ABCs can be learnt slowly,
不要教我争先，让我从容一点
Do not teach me to be competitive, rather teach me to take it easy.
亲爱的世界，给我一个黑板
Dear world, please give me a black board,
让我快乐地画一幅自己的向往
Let me happily paint a piece of my yearning.
其实你不该教会我太多黑白
Actually you do not have to teach me so much black and white,
让我长大后不会，对着灰色无奈
So that I do not face the frustrations of grey areas when I grow up.
No comments:
Post a Comment