An Internal Struggle

I have a confession to make.

I did not take the boys to Chinese school last Saturday.  It wasn't planned that way as I was still going through the text book with Ludwig on Friday afternoon at the terrace, basking in the fantastic weather while Amanda's sons and mine played in the garden.  Perhaps that was the first "mistake".  There were too much distractions and I had to keep pulling back his focus to the book.  After an almost futile 20 minutes or so, I gave up, told him to join them and made him (also Enzian and Johann) promise me that we will revise Chinese before bedtime.  Little did I know that bedtime (nearly) never came when I said this.  Bart was the only disciplined one to have completed his homework.

The second "mistake" happened shortly after I dismissed Ludwig.  My next door neighbour had been sitting in her terrace, enjoying her daily glass of prosecco with her husband. She saw me and asked me to go over to her for a glass.  I didn't actually have time and I wanted to clear off some cut branches in the garden so I replied I would go over in a few minutes, bearing in mind that I would leave once I emptied the glass.  Priorities, priorities.  I have other priorities, obviously drinking and chatting weren't in my list.  Making dinner, getting the boys ready for Chinese before their bedtime is.  It was already 5pm.  But I did not want to come across as anti-social or being rude, especially since I left her (and her friends) at English class prematurely in the same morning to attend to Enzian's school application.

So I went over.  My glass was already filled and waiting for me.  Chatting, sipping, chatting, sipping.  I can't drink fast or I would get tipsy sooner than I want.  I can't control my face from going red, but I can control how much alcohol I allow in my body at one time (not) to cause that reaction.  While I was at my neighbour's, the boys (6 of them) were playing in our garden, what I couldn't see through the fence, I could judge if everything was okay by listening to the noise they were making.  Other than the occasional calls of "mommy, can I ...?" they played very well together, always.

I offered to bring over a large pack of chips halfway through our chats.  As I was walking back to our house, I saw Christophe driving back home from his meeting.  I quickly informed him that I was over at the neighbour's and told him to come over to say hello after he has settled down.  That was my third "mistake", and the biggest.

We never left the neighbour's after that.  In fact, she got Amanda and her husband and another neighour couple to join in.  There were 4 couples in total.  The other neighbour did not stay long, they left after a drink.  Damn!  Why didn't I leave at the same time?!  I was not carried away, on the contrary, it was visibly clear to Amanda and the hosting neighbours that I was stressed.  I kept repeating to them I need to get back home for their Chinese homework, and all of them, including Christophe, persuaded me to take it easy and relax, especially since I already had a stressful morning.  I was completely aware that if I relented, the boys and I would be the ones bearing the costs of my (and the boys') relaxation.

Can you skip one lesson?  Come on, Pauline, relax!  Look at them (pointing at the boys), they are having so much fun!  You have to relax sometimes.

Do I want to do this?  The week hadn't been overly stressful but I was somewhat handicapped by my hay fever.  Other than Bart, I hadn't been able to sit down with them individually to go through their homework everyday because of that and time was seriously running out.  My up-tightness was obvious.  While all of them were able to let down and laugh their boisterous laughter, I appeared like I had ants in my pants.  I am relieved they didn't allow my agitation affect them.

In a lower voice, I told Christophe I wasn't going to prepare dinner.  The boys had eaten some bread with meat patties after lunch, so that should keep them filled for awhile.  But that didn't mean I was prepared to stay longer, that meant that I would be able to use my time supervising their homework instead of whipping something up in the kitchen.  But everyone at the table was coaxing me in the opposite direction... I felt so alone.  No one seemed to understand my stand.  The boys and I had to wake up early the next day.  We had Chinese class to attend.  Their homework was still incomplete.  It was getting very late.

I was putting so much stress on myself I felt I was going to explode.  No, I didn't show that.  I sat and sipped.  Talked a little and fell back into my trance.  Then sipped and talked some more, once in a while, laughed at a joke.

Amanda and husband left to grill some sausages for their boys and emphasized that they would be back later, if they were still welcomed.  Sometime later, Enzian came to me, "mommy, Amanda asked if she could offer us one sausage each."  How sweet of her!  We have become so familiar with one another that the boys (hers and mine) would just popped over to each other's just like that.

The boys ended up eating more than one sausage.  She sent Enzian over, "mommy, Amanda wants you to know that we are in good hands".  I was so touched and told him to tell her, "that's exactly why I love her so much".  Enzian didn't bother to walk over the third time, but shouted, "mommy, Amanda says she loves you too!"  Awww... I know.  They were totally filled up.  Later on, Amanda told me it was so enjoyable feeding the boys and learning their likes and dislikes on food.

The sun finally set at 9pm, night fell and I was still there.  I guess my presence there spoke volume.  As much as I hate to admit it, going to Chinese class every Saturday morning is totally undesirable for me, and my entire family.  Our quality weekend time as a family had been greatly compromised since the start of their Chinese school.  I remember how thrilled I was when I first learned of a Chinese school here and how I fought down the barriers of applying for a place for Bart.  I also see some heart-warming results made by the boys so far.

I am just questioning myself right now, in this TGIF partying atmosphere, if I had made a wrong decision in sending them to the Saturday school.  School days are already tough without Chinese.  Every day, Bart is required to complete 3 pages of homework.  On top of that, he has to copy his text on a piece of paper, and learn spelling.  There is a big test after every 3-4 chapters.  For the three, they have to complete one page of homework every day.  It may sound like chicken feet, but I assure you, it is not.  Besides some basic writing and matching, the homework also requires them to read their text, recognise new words, three times.  I coach them individually.  Go figure.

All odds are against me.  I am now even toying with the idea of giving up.  Do I have an alternative?  I know myself too well.  I don't thrive at teaching them myself without the school.  The school acts as my pressure to  reach their weekly learning goals.  I am fully aware that I can't achieve it alone.  Perhaps I am a weakling who can't withstand a little bit of stress and challenges.  IT IS TOUGH!  ARGHHH....

I started speaking Mandarin to Bart this evening.  His understanding has progressed a leap.  He could even answer correctly, compared to before Chinese school.  There is no doubt that the class he attends weekly has helped.  Johann could recite 1-10 in Mandarin in perfect tone.  Since this school is run by mainland Chinese, the boys could pronounce certain words more accurately than an average Singaporean Chinese despite their very weird ang-moh accent.  They are generally improving.

Perhaps, I should relax myself alittle.  Do what I can and let go of what I cannot.  Why did I decide to skip last Saturday's class?


It is nights like these that leave the deepest, happiest and most unforgettable childhood memories for the boys.  

Christophe's words.  I thought it was extremely profound.  I was bought over.  I let go and gave the boys a wonderful, perfect night till the wee hours.

That third "mistake" turned out to be my best decision.

For now, Chinese school will go on, but with a looser grip.